– Cocktails at Naptime –

a woefully inadequate book review

 

If you have just had a baby and are surrounded by piles of baby books that don’t seem to have any relevence to your life, please don’t despair. Sometimes you don’t need advice; sometimes you just need a cocktail at naptime. If you feel woefully inadequate , cast adrift in a boat full of sodden nappies and disintegrating rusks, fear not – you are not alone. Gillian Martin and Emma Kaufmass, authors or the irreverent new book, Cocktails at Naptime, have arrived in the nick of time and may just save your sanity.

I was thrilled, excited and suitably honoured at being offered the chance to review Cocktails at Naptime – a woefully inadequate guide to early motherhood. After all, it was a free book (thanks Finch publishing), and who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?

I was somewhat perplexed though. At this stage of my life, I should be sitting down with my own overseas blogging buddy (Vix?) and penning my own woefully inadequate guide for surviving the teenage years, taking the lead from the clever girls who wrote this tome from different continents after connecting via the blogging world. (You can read their personal blogs here and here). Could I still relate to a book about that first year of child rearing when I was so many years down the track? Would I recall those various scenarios referred to in the book such as sleep deprivation (mine), sex deprivation (his) and a flabby tummy (mine again)? Hold that thought. I have a husband who wakes me nightly with his snoring, who has been known to complain that he doesn’t get enough and I’m still carrying a tyre or three around the midriff.

I relate.

And let me tell you, reading this book has brought on flashbacks vivid enough to reduce me to a blubbering mess akin to a Vietnam veteran suffering post traumatic syndrome. Trust me, ANY woman of ANY age who has spawned at least once will relate to the topics explored, be it your new stretchy, post-childbirth vagina, your propensity to wear the same trackie pants day in day out, or the emergence of the alpha boob (and no, that is not the name of a new sci-fi movie folks).

Consider Cocktails at Naptime the best friend you need when you are sobbing uncontrollably with baby-blues whilst clutching cabbage leaves to your swollen breasts at three in the morning (yes, I’m speaking from experience). The friend that acknowledges the harsh reality that yes, you ARE sore, you ARE tired, you ARE grumpy and you NEVER want to sleep with your husband ever again. HOWEVER, it is also the friend that gently encourages you that you WILL get through it all, and  – don’t fall over in shock here – you may even want to go through it all again.

Failing that – it makes a great contraceptive device. I read a few paragraphs to my nearly 18 year old daughter when the book first arrived in my mailbox, and I don’t think that she’ll be going anywhere near a male for many, many years to come. Thank you Cocktails at Naptime. For that alone, my husband and I salute you.

So in the interest of giving us all a glimpse into the minds of the writers of Cocktails at Naptime, I asked both girls the two most profound questions that I could think of, having finished chortling my way through their book. Their answers are sure to move your very soul.

1) What is one thing that you wish you had known prior to giving birth?

Emma: Well the first time I gave birth I was heavily medicated and was actually tripping a lot of the time, talking about seeing goblins and stuff so I really don’t remember much about it. Then while pregnant with number two I started reading all those books about ‘going natural’ and how going drug free would be a ‘spiritual experience.’ Then – rather predictably - I gave birth naturally in a bathtub screaming all the time for drugs. Gillian told me recently ‘There is nothing natural about natural childbirth,’ and she is absolutely right. I want to warn newly pregnant mums out there that those books about natural childbirth are dangerous propaganda. They’re lies all lies – unless you have no nerves in your vagina you will be screaming bloody murder! If you want a spiritual experience Oprah’s coming to Australia soon - try going to one of her shows - it’s a lot less painful.

Gillian: I wish someone had mentioned to me that the baby bump wouldn’t go away immediately. I had packed some hot pants and a boob tube to go home with the baby in, and I couldn’t get them past my ankles. Seriously though, no body mentions that you still look pregnant in that first week after the baby comes out. It’s quite a shock to look down on the blancmange that’s sitting where a baby used to be. I’d like to know how many mums have asked the doctors to have an extra rummage in there to check there’s not a second baby stashed in there waiting to be hauled out.

And the question that I know you are all dying to have an answer to…..

2) What time of day is too early to have that first cocktail?

Emma: That depends on a variety of factors. I think it’s a bit sad to crack out the cocktail shaker at breakfast unless you’re at a hen party – but maybe that’s just me. More importantly there is the question of whether you are planning to operate something more mechanical than an electric tin opener i.e. a car. If so you must wait until someone you trust has hidden your car keys. Then you can go hell for leather.

I don’t think I have imbibed earlier than 12 midday though – apart from when I was a student and used to do all day drinking in the Student Union Bar (which opened at 11 I believe although my memories of that time are admittedly a little hazy). It is a little known fact – and somewhat unbelievable – that when I went to college the Government used to subsidize beer for the poor students. Which led to ….one hell of a lot of drunkeness! God bless John Major who was at the helm of the UK Government at that time – he certainly had his priorities straight. “Let’s give the students subsidised beer, it’ll make them study more,” he told his cabinet. ”Or at the very least its one way to get their vote!” Politicians take note.

Gillian: Well it’s like that country song, isn’t it? “Its 5 o’clock somewhere” Also the way I see it, if the cocktail contains some fruit juice at least you can pass it off as a health drink if questioned.

If you aren’t crying already due to cracked nipples and hormonal surges when you begin reading this book,  you will certainly be doing so whilst simultaneously giggling hysterically, within minutes of starting chapter one. Cocktails at Naptime will have you hooting with laughter – but I should warn you that it is the type of book best read sitting down cross legged until that pelvic floor muscle tightens up.

Want to know more ?

Go here to see the list of bloggers reviewing the book

Go here to purchase the book.

Kiwis can go here for a chance to win a book.

 

Even the menfolk will down tools and be fascinated at what’s revealed in Cocktails at Naptime